Teaching Emotional Control Strategies to Kids with Autism

I recently wrote a blog entry about why losing games can be overwhelming to individuals in the autism spectrum.  Now for a few ideas about helping kids gain emotional control.  These strategies are one step toward calming and teaching emotional regulation.  Consider yourself and your child to be a detective about what helps in what types of situations. 

• Catching the Meltdown Before It Happens

It is often difficult for an individual in the spectrum to know how upset they are becoming or may become in certain situations.  As the parent of a young child, you may need to watch for signs and triggers ahead of time and teach your child more about his triggers and emotions.  You might say "You are angry right now" or "It has been a long day.  You need some quiet time."  You may pay attention to your child's schedule to make sure there are not too many difficult things in one day (e.g., don't schedule a school test and a dentist appointment the same day).  

It can be helpful to use pictures to help your child identify how he is feeling (e.g., he could point to green for good, yellow could be "watch out, getting stressed" and red could be "feeling completely overwhelmed").   
  

• Using Sensory Strategies for Calming

Once your child is overwhelmed, using verbal reasoning and requests is often very difficult and unsuccessful.  It is hard for her to think about how to comply with your commands (e.g., "Get a grip, it's not that bad" or "Stop crying, this is embarrassing).  It is also very difficult to attach words to the experience.  She is likely to be unable to verbally explain what is happening (e.g., "Why are you so upset!  What happened?").  Instead, you could use physical strategies that involve the senses to help her body calm.  Some strategies might include using deep pressure (e.g., bear hugs, pillow sandwiches with your child in between for a nice squeeze, or a weighted blanket), vestibular input (e.g., a ride in the car, being pushed in a swing), visual input (e.g., repetitive visual things like a lava lamp), auditory input (e.g., ear phones with nature sounds or favorite music), joint input (e.g., carrying something heavy, pulling on something), or smells (e.g., essential oils like lavender).  This can help with calming, even when the individual can't use thoughts or language.

• Time Out for Calming Instead of Punishment

You can teach the child that when they begin to feel overwhelmed, they may need to regroup in a quiet space before trying to solve the actual problem.  Having time away from chaos and strong emotions, can help him let go of some of the stress before interacting with others again.  Some separation can be initially helpful.  In fact, for individuals with ASD who are older, I have even seen people decide they do better speaking to others about difficult things using email rather than face to face.  If this is a strategy decided on ahead of time that actually helps introduce helpful distance and prevent loss of emotional control, it may be very helpful. 
  

• Have a Calming Strategy that you Practice Ahead of Time

Giving your child direction during a meltdown is often more overwhelming than calming.  However, if there is a calming strategy that the child knows about ahead of time, she can learn to use the strategies piece by piece.  For example, one strategy might be to use the breath for calming, like blowing bubbles or blowing LEGOs across the room with a straw (sometimes blowing out is more calming than deep breathing, especially for anxiety).  The individual may have a basket of things for calming (e.g., squeeze balls, ear phones with music, heavy blanket) or may have a binder with pictures of strategies in it (e.g., pictures of swinging or meditation) that they can then go and participate in.  

You will find that thinking about strategy rather than punishment is more effective and comfortable for you and your child!

Why Losing Can Lead to Meltdowns in Autism

All kids have trouble learning to lose with grace, but for children in the autism spectrum, losing can lead to an all out meltdown.  A meltdown is different from a tantrum in which the child is in control of his behavior but is acting out to achieve a goal or manipulate an outcome.  A meltdown is the moment at which someone is entirely overwhelmed by emotion and decompensates before your eyes.  The emotional moment may last a very long time; children with autism can take even hours to recover.  

Many children with ASD (autism spectrum disorders) have meltdowns in response to losing a game.  Why?  Here are several reasons:

•  Uncertainty:   Individuals in the spectrum often want things to be routine and predictable.  They have difficulty not knowing the outcome of something ahead of time.  For some kids, if there was a predictable pattern to winning and losing (e.g., I win then you win then I win...), the individual would do better.  But that is the point of the game for most people; the outcome is uncertain and captivates our attention.  What is going to happen?!  For the individual with ASD, the uncertainty is stressful.
• Concrete: Good vs Bad --Concrete thinking is common in the spectrum as well.  Your child may categorize everything into good or bad, or other black-and-white categories.  As my son was growing, he would ask the same thing of me ("Is that person a good guy or a bad guy" or "Is that a good word or a bad word").  It is difficult for your child to, on the one hand, know that winning is the object of a game (no matter what adults say to the contrary) and also realize she is either a winner or a loser, good or bad.  When she uses all her efforts to get into the "good" category and fails, this is overwhelming.  
• Fixed Beliefs --Many individuals in spectrum fixed beliefs that have no clear basis in reality.  They may firmly believe with all their being that something makes the team that is playing good or bad.  For example, they may be extremely attached to the blue uniforms of a team on television, and melt down if the blue team doesn't win.  I have heard some kids say, "I don't know why, but I just feel like it is really really important for the blue team to win."  It is common for people in the spectrum to be unable to distinguish what is "really important" and what is not. 

This leads us to the topic of Emotional Control.  You can think of emotional control as part of the overall concept of executive function which is impacted by the center and front of the brain.  For a good description of emotional control, see Dr Dawson and Guare's descriptions in their books at Smart but Scattered Kids.  Executive function is a significant difficulty for individuals in the spectrum, and emotional control is a big part of that challenge. 

People who have emotional control difficulties may have different manifestations.  In the presence of overwhelming situations,  they may:

• Shut down (withdraw, lose their words, freeze, be unable to act)
• Act Out, Explode, or Meltdown (pushing someone away, crying, yelling)
• Become very anxious (significant fear, worry, and upset)

Because they are less able to manage their own emotional and physical experiences, they often become overwhelmed by emotion and unable to function appropriately through the challenges.  

It is important to understand that, for these individuals, the difficulty managing emotion after losing a game has a neurologic base and cannot be generally managed hearing someone say "stop it" or "don't be a cry baby." 

Some ideas for managing these situations coming up in my next post!

Motor Sequencing and Planning: Games for Kids

My 8 year old son has been in Occupational Therapy off and on for many years related to his autistic spectrum diagnosis.  One of the things he often works on is motor sequencing and motor planning.  This involves his ability to put multiple movements together without having to think of each step first.  This can be an area of difficulty in the spectrum, and for many individuals with other developmental conditions and features as well.

Instead of just doing exercises, it is fun to use games that require sequencing. 

Lately, we have been having fun with hopscotch:

We are in mid-winter here, so we actually are using the inside tile floors as a grid for our footwork.  We often don't play exactly by the traditional rules.  We may change up the order of the feet or the number of tiles in between the feet.  We may sing a rhyme while we do it, or try to name colors as we jump.  There are so many possibilities, and it is fun to have him involved in making up a sequence that we try next.

We have also started play hand clapping games:
Remember those good old games where you would chant or sing-song while clapping in a variety of sequences.  They are great for this skill, and can be made as simple or complex as needed. I have been remembering some oldies but goodies, and introducing my son to this style of game.

Here is a great website for ideas and rhymes.  Check it out!

Fun Clapping

And last but not least, stair hopping.

If you have carpeted stairs, try doing hopping sequences up and down the bottom stair.  For example, your child can try right foot up, left foot up, right foot down, left foot down (10 times).  If you have an older child, they may have the strength to hop up with both feet and down with both feet.  Then you can combine for extra difficulty: up with both, down with both, up with right, up with left, down with right, down with left, and repeat. 

Conflict Resolution: Bringing It Down A Notch

Everyone has their own way of dealing with conflict.  Some seem energized by the argument and love a good debate.  Others would rather slowly slink away and avoid the tension.  It is very difficult to stay in the middle of those two options in order to balance "staying" while still "working toward de-escalation."

This post is by no means the answer to conflict.  It is not the best advice for everyone and every situation.  But it is something in my toolkit that has been very helpful in interacting with upset or angry individuals in a variety of circumstances.


1. Verbalize the Emotion
Whether you are interacting with a child you parent or with an angry customer, it can be helpful to name their emotion, before you jump into problem solving.  For example, if you have an irate customer, it may be helpful to listen and then say "This has really been frustrating for you."  If you have a child who is stomping their feet, you may want to say "You REALLY want that toy.  It is so hard to wait." 

This accomplishes a few things.  First, it identifies their emotion if they don't realize what it is.  For adults, the person may be reacting to a difficult situation, without realize they are losing control or so irate.  Sometimes verbalizing the feeling let's them know how they impact you and also helps them know that their underlying struggle is identified and heard.  With a child who is just learning about emotions and self-control, you are teaching them what the word is for that emotion and how they could communicate it verbally rather than losing control. 

2. Bring the Word Down a Notch
Once you have identified a word for their emotion, you may wish to bring the word down to a somewhat calmer state.  For example, if the customer is irate, you may wish to say "You are very frustrated right now."  Very frustrated is somewhat calmer than irate, but not so far away from their emotion that they are apt to dismiss your comment.  If they continue to shout but perhaps are calming somewhat, you could say, "I see how upseting this has been.  Let me first address your concern about X."  So, you are now calling them upset, which is a step down from very frustrated. 


Will this help the situation all the time?  No.  Is this the only tool you should have at your disposal?  No.  But sometimes having some ideas for responding helps us avoid either pushing back (and making things worse) or slinking away (which makes things worse too!).

Holiday Home Decoration Idea: Kid Friendly

My parents have a large window facing the street in front of their home.  When we were growing up, we would tape a message cut out of Christmas wrapping paper: "Happy Birthday Jesus."  Each letter was cut the size of one of the small windows, and when assembled, could be read from the street.

This year, my parents made a Thanksgiving decoration for the window.  They put pictures of family members on each limb of the Thanksgiving tree. 


This is a great idea for decorating your home for the holidays, either in a window, or on a wall in your home.  Little ones can help with the cutting and taping of this project.  You can use many different types of paper such as brown shipping paper, construction paper, tissue paper, or holiday wrapping paper to make your design. 

For Christmas, you could do an idea similar to the Thanksgiving tree, using a Christmas tree and putting family pictures inside the presents under the tree. 

Be creative this year, and involve the kiddos in some great family traditions!

Not Alone: Devotional 1 Kings 19: 13-14, 18

Excerpt from Soul Cries devotional copyright 2012
*2013 National Indie Excellence Award Finalist*

Not Alone

1 Kings 19:13-14, 18 (The Message)

 

When Elijah heard the quiet voice, he muffled his face with his great cloak, went to the mouth of the cave, and stood there.

 (God) A quiet voice asked, “So Elijah, now tell me, what are you doing here?”

Elijah said it again, “I've been working my heart out for God, the God-of-the-Angel-Armies, because the people of Israel have abandoned your covenant, destroyed your places of worship, and murdered your prophets. I'm the only one left, and now they're trying to kill me.” …

(God) Meanwhile, I'm preserving for myself seven thousand souls: the knees that haven't bowed to the god Baal, the mouths that haven't kissed his image.”

 

Raising a child with specific needs can be isolating for so many reasons. You may be using all of your energy to find solutions, to problem-solve, and to make things better. You and your spouse may alternate responsibilities, or you may be a single parent, juggling everything on your own. Your resources may be drained. You may feel you are fighting a battle to set your child free, and you are not sure if you are winning.

 

Elijah felt the same way in the scripture above. He had just won a huge victory against four hundred fifty prophets of Baal. On top of that, a three-year drought was ended in a mighty way. But soon after these victories, he was exhausted from the fight and scared of the enemy. He explained to God how hard the fight had been and how little progress he felt had been made. He felt isolated, like the only one left who was fighting the good fight. He said, “I’m the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me.” He was exhausted, isolated, and drained…not sure of any progress. But God speaks the truth over his situation. God says that there are seven thousand others who are faithful to The Almighty who have not bowed to other gods. Those others were fighting the good fight too.

 

You are not alone. You are not the only one fighting the good fight for your children. We join you in prayer for breakthrough, for victory, for strength, and for courage. I know the cries of your heart, and I tell you that you are not alone. I pray that friends and community will surround you in practical ways every day.

 

1. Have you felt isolated in your struggle to help your child? How can you become more integrated with others who share your battle and heart?

 

2. God sees you and knows you. How can you embrace God’s heart for you today?

Using Technology to Create Social Stories for Children: Adobe Voice

In the past, I have written about using social stories to help children with autism or anxiety deal with apprehension about the unknown or future events.  My previous post was about a birthday party, but social stories can be created for your child about ANY theme such as starting school, night-time routine, going to the dentist, or traveling.  The stories can also be created to help kids learn a new skill such as how to say "I'm sorry" or how to introduce yourself to someone new.

I have recently discovered the free app by Adobe called Adobe Voice.  This app can be used to make stories come alive with icons, photographs, text, graphics, and music. 

Here is a link to the video I created about a birthday party: Birthday Social Story

In this story, I used icons, but you can insert pictures of the child's actual world.  For example, for a social story about the first day of school, you can take photos of the actual school, the teacher, the classroom, his/her bookbag, the school bus, etc and make a video story for your child to watch.   Your child can even help create the video themselves.  They could record their own voice talking about the pictures that are uploaded. 


What is your story?

Suddenly: Luke 5 (5-7) Devotional

 

 

 

Excerpt from Soul Cries devotional, copyright 2012
*2013 National Indie Excellence Award Finalist*

 

Suddenly

 

Luke 5:5-7 (The Message)

Simon said, “Master, we've been fishing hard all night and haven't caught even a minnow. But if you say so, I'll let out the nets.” It was no sooner said than done—a huge haul of fish, straining the nets past capacity. They waved to their partners in the other boat to come help them. They filled both boats, nearly swamping them with the catch.

 

When you are the parent of a child whose needs are complex and difficult, the days roll into months and years. The amount of effort can feel so tremendous compared to the amount of lasting gains. We may cry out to God, “We’ve been hard at it during this night season, and we haven’t caught even a minnow!” When Simon says this to Jesus, he has good reason. Simon is an expert fisherman; he runs a business and knows when and where to catch fish. He has come back exhausted and empty-handed, but Jesus tells him to go out again and put the nets in the water one more time. It seems futile to Peter and the fishermen with him, because they have been out there all night trying so hard and have come back so very exhausted.

 

Yet, when the Master says it, they do it. They know Him and trust Him. His word means something true to them. They have that kind of relationship, and “it was no sooner said than done!” Suddenly there is a breakthrough where there had been no breakthrough. Suddenly there is supply where there had been no supply. Suddenly there is abundance where there had been lack. “Suddenly,” after a long night of nothing, everything changed at the command of Jesus. Their “huge haul” of fish was surprising, abundant, and so heavy that it nearly sank the boats.

 

1. Beloved, have you been “fishing hard all night?” Have you done everything you know to do, but have come back exhausted and empty-handed? I pray that your heart will be open to unexpected wisdom from the Father. I pray that your hard night will turn “suddenly” into abundance and breakthrough!

 

2. How can you open your heart to hearing from God after such a long time of feeling empty-handed? In what ways can you strengthen your relationship with the Master so that you will go out and try again, trusting Him to be true to His Word?

Helping Kids with Social Anxiety: Giving Them a Role

Some people thrive in a social setting.  They love the people, the celebrations, and joy of interacting with others.  Other people prefer to stick to themselves, and may have a very difficult time in social settings.  When they do want or need to be in a group, they may feel nervous, stressed, and drained.  

I recently had to take my 8 year old son to church with me when I got to lead a prayer service.  There was no where else for him to hang out on that night.  I ended up asking him to be my helper with the "technology" and the music.  I had my ipod and wanted to hook it into the sound system with specific songs playing at specific times.  

This turned out to be a wonderful thing, because I really did benefit from his help with the songs, and he felt very proud and excited that he could contribute.  He did really well in the social setting, even though that would generally be quite a challenge for him if we just showed up and he didn't have a specific role. 

When your kids are going into a crowd, try to think of ways to make roles specific if they like that.  Can they be a helper?  Maybe they can be in charge of opening the door and putting peoples' coats in the "coat room."  Maybe they can help with props for a play rather than being on stage.  Maybe they can help hide the Easter eggs or hand out the Halloween candy.

What have you tried that helps your kids negotiate crowds and parties?

Spring Cleaning and Autism

Everyone probably has a room or rooms in their house in need or spring cleaning!  Anyone with kids knows that things can collect and build up that really should be sorted through and given away.  A challenge for any family is convincing the kids to let go of some of their stuff and give some away to other children.  

Children in the autistic spectrum can have particular difficulty keeping their space organized and free of clutter because of executive function and sequencing difficulties.  Executive function is a primary difficulty within the autistic spectrum.  This includes abilities such as figuring out how to start a multi-step project, initiating behavior, and attending to both the details and the big picture.  In addition, many individuals in the spectrum are very particular about their belongings in the sense that they may have collections, prefer to arrange certain belongings "just so" while other belongings are on the floor, and may resist change (such as changing the location of an object at home or throwing things out that aren't important any more).

One approach that I use with my son in the autistic spectrum is to go through the house while he isn't home, and gather things that I don't see him playing with or using.  Then I store them in boxes and bags out of site. If he notices something is missing and asks for it, I can return it.  But if months have gone by and he hasn't noticed that something is missing, I give the items away.  

I also encourage him to choose some items to give away. Sometimes his school has a charity drive for example that kids can contribute to.  This is a way to focus on the teaching part about having a generous spirit, why that is important, and how to live that out.  

How do you help your autistic child sort through and give up some of their things?  Do they have trouble tolerating the changes?

Sensory Activities for Older Children

The Occupational Therapist for my 8 year old son has suggested that we get back into some sensory activities to help him with his autistic spectrum symptoms. 

There are many ideas for sensory play for toddlers out there, but not as much for older children.  I decided I wanted to try to integrate sensory activities into some functional tasks... like cooking and bathing for example.  

This morning I made muffins with peanut butter, banana and eggs as part of the ingredients.  I asked him to help me cook.  My idea was to have him get his hands into the batter to mash up the bananas, but he wasn't going for that today!  We will try another time.  I did show him, however, how to separate eggs with his hands just like Bobby Flay!  He let me crack an egg right into his open hand, let the egg whites spill out into the bowl underneath, and put the egg yolk into the batter.  

In his bath, he is experimenting with different textures and senses as well.  He loves the shaving cream play in the bath but is not as keen on the more greasy coconut butter lotions.  Next up...we are going to try an apricot scrub with a light scent and a somewhat textured feel.  

Experiment with your older children, and see how you can integrate sensory experiences into everyday functional tasks!

Soul Cries Devotional Isaiah 40: 3-5 The Coming King

Excerpt from Soul Cries devotional, a devotional for parents of struggling kids

*2013 National Indie Excellence Award Finalist*

The Coming King

Isaiah 40:3-5 (Amplified Bible)

A voice of one who cries: Prepare in the wilderness the way of the Lord [clear away the obstacles]; make straight and smooth in the desert a highway for our God! Every valley shall be lifted and filled up, and every mountain and hill shall be made low; and the crooked and uneven shall be made straight and level, and the rough places a plain. And the glory (majesty and splendor) of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together…

When you are parenting children who have struggles and specific needs, there seem to be many obstacles, rough places, and uneven paths. The wilderness can seem foreboding. In the fortieth chapter, Isaiah prophesies about John the Baptist, a voice crying out in the wilderness (see Mark 1:3). John cried out, preparing the way for Jesus to enter into His ministry.

In those days, if a king from an outlying country were coming to your kingdom, you would send out workers to make a smooth road for the king to enter your domain. The path would be made smooth, straight, and level. This was a way of preparing for the king, ushering him into your area. All obstacles and all rough places must go! They must give way to the coming king!

I pray over your home and your children, reader! I pray that your King will be ushered into your life in a manifest and glorious way. I speak to the obstacles in your life, that they must give way. I speak over your body, mind, and spirit; I pray that the path of your King will be made smooth, straight, and level. The King is coming to bring His Kingdom into your life. May He usher in health, shalom, and grace.

1. What obstacle is evident in your life today? Is it an issue of the heart, the body, the mind, or the spirit? I pray with you that the rough place will be made smooth, and the King will be ushered into that very place!

2. In what ways can you prepare the path for the King and usher in His Kingdom? In what ways do you need God to move on your behalf and a community to help in this work?

Does Someone In Your House Keep Asking "What's there to eat?"--Try This Great Solution

I can't count the number of times my 7 year old says, "I'm hungry."  And I say, "What do you want to eat?"  And he says "What do we have?"  We, of course, repeat this dialogue several times a day.  

Recently I decided to create him a menu.  I typed up about 20-25 of his most common snacks and meals including several protein based foods, snacks, fruit, smoothies, etc.  

I printed out the menu on our home computer.  I then used my Scotch Thermal Laminator to seal it into a more durable menu for little hands.  

Now, he knows where his menu is located in the house.  I use a dry erase marker to cross off foods I don't have that day (e.g., if I run out of apples) or I add foods that I know we have that aren't on the list (e.g., at Thanksgiving we may have left over turkey).  Then he can tell me specifically what he wants, even though I control what is on the list (offering healthy foods with a good mix of protein and healthy options).  

Who would this help at home?
1. Children
In the case of young children who can't read, try using a picture menu.  You can either make a book of food in picture form (like a trifold menu) or you can print off various foods in picture form, laminate them separately, and use velcro to affix them onto the "menu for the day."  So for one meal, you might affix options of cereal, eggs, toast, etc.  For the next meal, you can affix different foods in picture form. 

2. Individuals with Dementia
Many individuals with dementia have trouble knowing when they are hungry, what they are hungry for, and may even fail to initiate eating during the day.  Some dementias produce specific difficulty with words, expression, or reading.  In these cases, you can use a similar option where you list options for food in words or pictures to give them some control and option, but still assisting them in generating ideas. 

3. Adults Trying To Eat Healthy
If you made a New Year's resolution to eat healthier, you may find yourself thinking, what is there to eat?  You might want to use your cookbooks, websites, and Dr's advice to list some ideas on a menu for yourself.  For example, you might make a "snacks" menu that gives you ideas for healthy options.  

4. Adults with Learning Disabilities
I recently met a few adults who had language disabilities from birth.  They have difficulty generating verbal words and ideas.  They also have difficulty reading.  A picture menu would be a great option in this case as well.   

Celebrating the Holidays with Special Needs Children

Trees, lights, decorating cookies, shopping, visiting family, school vacation, wrapping and opening presents, singing traditional songs of the season, and church services...

The best things about the holidays, right?

We all have our favorite part of the holiday season.  It usually comes wrapped with childhood memories of what was or what we wish had been.  We try to recreate scenes from Christmas past.  Capturing those great pictures of the kids for Christmas cards.  Surprising people with gifts on Christmas morning.  Visiting Santa and watching favorite Christmas movies on TV.

For children with special needs, all or most of the above may be very difficult and not enjoyable at all.  My dreams for the season are often not my son's dreams.  He is 7 years old and in the autistic spectrum.  Every year, I'm surprised by how much he struggles during the holidays.  Just this year, I spent some time crying at a coffee shop as I took a break from trying to cook for Thanksgiving.

As I try to regroup, these are my thoughts...

1. Anticipation and Surprise
For most of us, anticipation and surprise is what Christmas is all about.  But for my son, anticipation feels like anxiety.  He prefers to know what is coming.  He likes a predictable schedule.  He can seem "off" from before Halloween until after Christmas break.  "Off" could look like meltdowns, crying at small things, wanting to be constantly close to a parent, or wanting to be isolated like under a "tent" in his room or behind a chair.

** One thing we have tried is to ask Joshua if he wants to know the "schedule for the day" even when school is out.  This let's him know what unusual things may be in the schedule, or what usual things are cancelled because of the holidays.  Sometimes we ask him if he wants to draw out or write out his schedule.  Other times, he just wants to hear it. Here is an example of a visual schedule.

**Joshua wants to know what he is getting for Christmas ahead of time.  Yesterday, he and I ordered his gift together over the internet.  Now he feels good that he is getting something he will enjoy, but he doesn't have to manage that nervous energy until Christmas morning.

**You could also develop a social story like the ones at this link.

2. Crowds, Commotion, and Loud Noises
There is a lot more activity during the holidays than other times of year.  Even at his "typical" activities like fencing and school, there are Christmas songs, concerts, and his school even takes all the kids to a store to buy toys for charity.  These activities can be overwhelming because of the noise, scents, bumping, and bustling.

At any time of year, Joshua can be loud and physically active; however, sometimes this is most noticeable when he is actually overwhelmed.  When he is crashing through the house and can't stop, I know he is having a hard time.  There was a time when I thought he needed to "run off" this energy, but now I know that he most often needs help with calming during these times.

**He may need us to set up a quiet place like an indoor tent.  He can go inside and watch videos or play an app on a tablet. Try these ideas for creating a cozy resting place.

**Deep pressure and proprioceptive input can be also be calming and centering.  Try these sensory strategies OR these!

3. Diet

Holidays often have lots of treats, traditional dishes, and a deviation from normal diet.  In addition, Joshua follows a gluten free, casein free (dairy) diet to help manage his autistic symptoms.  Joshua typically does best when he has enough protein and very little simple sugar as well.  We try to cook healthy and organic as much as we can, but still have treats for Joshua at every holiday and special occasion.

**Joshua eats a lot of healthy foods, but he often rejects new or unusual foods.  Many of the traditional holiday foods are out of our typical routine (e.g., most of the Thanksgiving dishes).  While I may be working very hard to make stuffing, gravy, etc. Joshua often wants his usual dishes.  Or, he may ask for holiday dishes because other kids talk about them, but then often reject them when they are on his plate.  This Thanksgiving, Joshua ate coconut milk ice cream and that was it.  He rejected each of my Thanksgiving offerings.  I have to just anticipate that he may want his usual foods; I need to choose which ones I will make in combination with a few holiday dishes for us.  

**We try to really focus on protein and healthy eating, so sugar rushes don't add to his symptoms and struggle.

4. Little Bits at a Time
**We try to enjoy little bits of the holiday at a time.  Our church holds Christmas service during the week before Christmas, so we are able to go to service and then not plan anything else that day.  

**We don't have family in our area; rather than driving 8 hours to see family and stay in their home, we opt for a quieter holiday in our own familiar setting.  

**We spread out his presents across multiple days, rather than opening all the presents Christmas morning in a flurry of craziness.  So, he opens one large present on Christmas morning (of course he already knows what it is) and then across the following days, we dole the rest of the small presents over time.  

5. Take Care of Ourselves

As I was crying in the coffee shop this year, I remembered that taking time to myself is really important.  I can't do it without breaks and a chance to regroup.  So I either need a to find a babysitter, a willing neighbor, or take turns with my husband to get out of the house and breathe.  

"Close your eyes Mom!": Talking to my Son in the Autistic Spectrum

My son Joshua is 7 years old.  He has been diagnosed in the autistic spectrum.  When he is having a particularly rough day, he may prefer to avoid seeing people's faces or eyes.  He also has a hard time handling adrenaline or strong emotions, even if they are coming from another person rather than from inside of him.  

That is why, there are times when he wants to tell someone something, but he doesn't want to do it face to face, eye to eye, and emotion to emotion.  

I know we all do that sometimes.  Maybe we prefer to email a difficult topic to someone, just for a little personal distance.  Maybe your child likes to tell you things when you are not looking at each other, like when you are driving the car and he/she is sitting in the back.  It tones down the emotional intensity you are having to process from the other person. 

Sometimes, my son will ask me to come under the covers with him so it is dark and we can't see each other.  Then he will tell me what is on his mind.  Or laying in the dark as he is falling asleep...he may say, "Mom..." and talk about something that feels emotionally intense to him.  I have to remember to be very "matter-of-fact" when he tells me something like that.  Whatever it is, he is feeling overwhelmed by the emotion of it already, without my response adding to it.  

How do your kids talk to you?

Celebrating Halloween with Special Needs Kids

Celebrating any holiday with special needs kids can feel overwhelming.  There can be a lot of adrenaline and intensity at holiday times, unusual changes in diet, and noticeable disruption of routine.  There is also usually a big enphasis on cultural specific ways of celebrating, some of which your child may be unable to participate in or tolerate. 

Here are some Halloween tips:

1. Sensory Issues
If your child has sensory symptoms, pick a costume that makes sense for your specific child.  Avoid things that are itchy, smell "funny", or are too tight.  In contrast, maybe snug parts of a costume feel good to your child.  A hat or turtleneck may help some kids feel more centered and secure.  Having them carry a weighted backpack or some type of accessory with the costume that is heavy can also help kids feel calmer.  Some kids might avoid face paint or masks, while others may like that feeling on their face.  Do the best you can to select what makes sense for your child, and know that you will do your best to plan...and then be flexible when costume time comes if your child won't wear what you had picked out.  Have some options in your head just in case... like plan B...C...and D.

2. Anxiety and Inflexibility
Try using social stories to prepare your child for the unusual things about the holiday.  For example, what happens differently at school or home.  If the child is old enough, have them write a story with you or tell you the story. 

3. Extra Calming Times
Plan extra calming times into your routine a few weeks before and after the holiday.  Maybe your child feels better when they can lay under a table with a heavy blanket and watch YouTube videos.  Maybe they like to play LEGOs in their room with a dim light on. 

4. Learn to Recognize what Behavior Means
For some reason, I'm usually surprised when my son has trouble before and during the holidays.  Even this year...I was not expecting some of the behaviors that have "come out" such as anxiety, wanting to touch and climb on visitors, melting down if he loses a game.  My son can also "lose his words."  Although my son does talk, when he is under stress I hear myself saying more and more "use your words please" and "have you lost your words today?"  My husband reminded me that we need to expect some changes before any holiday or change in routine (e.g. traveling, the beginning or end of school, etc). 

5. Dietary Needs
My son follows a gluten free and casein free diet to help manage some of his autistic symptoms.  We have a game now, that he goes trick or treating, brings back "a stash" and then he comes to my "candy store."  I pretend to be a shop owner and he comes in wanting to trade some of the candy he can't eat, for other treats I have in my store.  Then he has choices and can choose what he likes. 

6. Be Flexible
Sometimes we have high expectations for any holiday and how it should look if it is "good."  We might feel very disappointed if our child doesn't want to wear a costume or leave the house.  Maybe our child prefers to hand out candy rather than going from house to house.  Maybe they won't pose for a picture or meet their friends outside.  Every holiday may be different...every year may be different.  Take pictures when you can and build what memories you can, but let the rest go.  Let it be good in it's own way.  If your child wants to stay home and hand out candy, embrace it.  If they just want to wear face paint but no costume, go for it.

7. Take Care of Yourself
As a parent, you are doing the best you can.  Some other parents may give you advice or feel critical of your child for not looking and acting like everyone else on Halloween.  Maybe your child is nonverbal or won't wear a costume.  Maybe they can't choose a piece of candy from such a huge variety in a large bowl.  It could be that they have trouble self-regulating and grab too much impulsively.  Perhaps they melt down in front of others. Not everyone will understand, but some will.  You may feel alone, but there are a whole community of parents out there who support and embrace you. 

Does Your Child Have 'Super Powers?": Talking to your kids about their autistic spectrum symptoms

My son is 7 years old and has a diagnosis in the autistic spectrum.  One of the features of the spectrum is that some children and adults can have many sensitivities that feel overwhelming at times.  My son has many sensory symptoms like this: the sun is too bright, crowded places are noisy and chaotic, being touched can feel overwhelming.  The strength of these symptoms seems to be variable through different ages and seasons of life for him.  When he is having a hard day, he has more symptoms.  I remember one season when he was 4 years old.  He was so sensitive at that time that it was hard to function.  He didn't want me to use any of our kitchen appliances because they were too noisy.  Even if he was in a different room with the door closed, he seemed bothered by the noises.  We even considered taking the appliances to the basement! 

One decision facing parents whose kids are struggling is how to discuss the struggles without making the child feel chastised or bad about themselves.  In this case, we started talking to him about his super powers!  He could really resonate with this concept.  We talked about how not everyone could see and hear what he could.  His super powers (hearing, vision, etc) could be really valuable and wonderful (e.g., he can pick out details in a picture that no one else sees).  We also talked about how his powers can make life hard or uncomfortable.  

One of our goals was to teach him how to monitor how his powers were doing that day.  We would say, "Are your super powers bothering you today?" or when he could see or hear something we couldn't, we might say "Ah!  Your super powers are turned on.  I didn't even notice that noise."  Then we would ask him to start monitoring his own powers and telling us what he needs that day.  We would say, "If your super powers are really strong today, what can we do to make it feel better."  We would start to teach him options for coping with really strong inputs.  For example, we might suggest sunglasses outside.  I would warn him before I turned on kitchen appliances so he could decide whether he wanted to put his hands on his ears, go upstairs to his room, etc.  

He really responded to the concept of super powers having good aspects as well as challenges.  And he also started monitoring how he was doing on a certain day, and letting us know (with prompts).  Pretty soon, he could start to choose from options about how to cope on that day. 

What super powers do your kids have?  How do you talk to your kids about their strengths and challenges? 

Easy to Read Books on Child Development: Series by Louise Bates Ames

Louise Bates Ames was an American psychologist specializing in child development. She worked at the Yale Clinic of Child Development and hosted one of the first TV shows on child development.  She died in 1966. She published a series of easy to read books on child development by age, one for each year from 1-9 and then a book about ages 10-14.  Although dated in some ways, the book series is a nice resource for parents wanting to know about temperament changes and how this is impacted by developmental levels. 

Because my son had some developmental symptoms, I had trouble knowing what was just typical development and what was a struggle connected with his autistic qualities.  These books were a quick resource that helped me put his changing interaction styles into perspective.


 Excerpt from Your Three-Year-Old:  Just as the tides have their rhythms, so does human behavior have its own predictable rhythms.  As the child grows older, "good" ages alternate with "bad"; times of equilibrium alternate with times of disequilibrium; and periods when behavior tends to be expansive and outgoing alternate with periods when everything seems to be pulled in.

I personally appreciated having a resource that talked about the developmental stages of temperament, rather than just focusing on cognitive or motor goals for each age.  Some have commented that the books don't contain much information or that they are dated.  I would say that is probably true, but the dated portions don't negate the developmental gold in the pages, and the fact that the text is not complex is a plus for me.

Praying for Marriages in Households with Struggling Kids--John 17:20-23

 Excerpt from Soul Cries devotional, copyright 2012 Regan

*2013 National Indie Excellence Award Finalist*

John 17:20-23 (The Message)

I'm praying not only for them but also for those who will believe in me because of them and their witness about me. The goal is for all of them to become one heart and mind—  Just as you, Father, are in me and I in you, so they might be one heart and mind with us. Then the world might believe that you, in fact, sent me. The same glory you gave me, I gave them, so they'll be as unified and together as we are—I in them and you in me. Then they'll be mature in this oneness, and give the godless world evidence that you've sent me and loved them in the same way you've loved me.

 

For those of you who are married or have been married, you know how very difficult it can be to sustain that close covenant relationship. Relationships do not often resemble greeting cards when you live day-in and day-out with someone, walking on the journey that life brings, going through seasons of struggle. I have read estimates that couples raising a child with extraordinary needs have a divorce rate near 85 percent. The fatigue and deep tiredness, and the uncertainty and strain can build and build. Your life may be in survival mode for so long that you may not even be able to pinpoint any specific moment when you and your spouse began to grow apart.

Today, let’s join in prayer for marriages. We pray that marriages will not only survive, but will thrive. I pray that couples will know what it is to become one heart and mind, supernaturally, through God’s Spirit. I pray that parents of children with specific needs will know such deep intimacy with God that they will grow in unity together. I pray they will know that they are filled with the same glory that filled Jesus, and that they will feel filled with that glory day after day and year after year. I pray, God, that they will know a life-giving oneness, a unity that sustains them in every season. May there be a kitting together of mind, body, and spirit. I pray that couples will know a supernatural resting in each other and in God. May there be no division, tension, or separating…but rather community and oneness.

1. I pray, reader, that you will have a deep intimate relationship that is filled with God’s Spirit. May you know blessing, oneness, and the joy of a covenant relationship with Him.

2. If you are married, how can you breathe life into your marriage relationship today? If you are a single parent, I pray that God will send you an intimate partner to covenant with. May you know abounding blessings within a partnering relationship.

A Full Fridge and Nothing to Eat: How Executive Function Impacts What We See Right in Front of Us.

We have all had the experience of looking at a full fridge and not being able to find anything to eat.  Sure, part of it is a lack of decision or trouble finding something that we are hungry for.  But a lot of it has to do with executive function. 

Executive function is a cognitive ability impacted by the center and the front of the brain.  It involves many attentional abilities such as sorting through stimuli, carrying out multiple steps to complete a task, paying attention to detail, organizing our life, keeping track of what we are doing, and multi-tasking.

When we are faced with a visual field filled with stimuli (e.g., a refrigerator full of food), our brain needs to sequence and sort through every detail of the field and tell us all the meaningful things in front of us.  If we have trouble with this part of executive function, we can see "a bunch of stuff" but the details get lost.  This is also why you might find 5 open jars of mayonnaise in your fridge.  Someone missed the detail in the fridge, and opened a new container...multiple times!

This is true for our kids too.  Take a look at this visual field--

Have you ever heard your child say "I have nothing to play with!  I'm bored, I have nothing to do!" 

Or do they stand in their room when you ask them to clean up...looking dazed and say "I don't know how!" 

This is likely that same executive function problem--Here are all these stimuli!  What do I do now?

I find that my son plays with more of his toys when his playroom is organized than when all his toys are out in the open.  You would think having all the toys visible would make for more ideas of what to play.  But no--it only makes the visual field more confusing and actually less noticed.  "Where do I start.  What do I play.  What should I do?" 


Recommendations:
1. Realize this is a brain function.  Everyone has strengths and weaknesses with brain functions, including executive function abilities.  What is easy for you may be challenging for someone else.  Also, when we are fatigued or stressed, our ability to attend to detail may be even harder.
2. Try organizing things and making less things visible.  Sometimes when less toys or food are visible, people feel like there is actually more to do and more to eat.